midlife crisis when the fog lifts

I know he thinks im being fake and im just letting this all happen bc I want him back, but I think hes starting to pick up on me doing things for myself. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. I simply took away the device my H was using to play a game. When I did it, he didnt argue and he didnt even attempt to sneak back on there, but it didnt break his stupidity fog. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get But I always told him plainly that we werent. And if im there calling the shots. It would not surprise me though. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. It was like I was the one real real real thing in his life. The worst was when I called at some point and one of the secretaries told me that they had gone to lunch. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. Even if he is talking to her. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). He wont put in the work on the follow-up things were supposed to be doing. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. And he deep down is having serious anxiety about what his future will be without me and his kids. Deal with your stress and anxiety in a productive way. But I am his wife. She said that I am attractive but she isnt attracted to me. These are the things I did with my H. The Red Flags were he refused counseling. I certainly included that in there, as well. Then he went on again to say he would be out of the house asap and asked how we will go about scheduling the baby. But right now it may be too difficult to manage all these decisions. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. And then the fog lifts and you see a tunnel and man it is far better than that tiny ledge you are standing on so you run, straight into the tunnel. Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. See where it goes. I do not actually feel like cheating. I dont know a normal timeframe, I dont know if there is one. It is not about control. I know if I cut him off emotionally from me completely he would prob struggle, whether or not he would admit it like he did before I dont know, but I know he would feel it. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. I was shaking I was so angry. Thanks in advance, hopefully you will see this! You have told him how you felt and what you expect. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. I am truly sticking to the 180 for the first time and I think thats a positive thing for me, and like I said before I know I could tell him to leave the house again and it may open his eyes to not having us, but its all just more of the same. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. And he would swear its me. Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. They do weekend workshops a few states away. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. Everything was okay. Valentines Day he gives me a card apologizing for his lack of emotion, his emptiness, unhappiness, etc. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. It took me 2 years to get to this point. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. I felt like i had FINALLY gotten him to see the light. From the moment I met her I told him watch your back she likes you more than a friend. Many of these stories are helpful. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. Why would I want a man who wants to live the way he is living. Ive had a very weird week. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. Major London fog. we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! Eventually I made him realize he had to leave the house. You can also subscribe without commenting. And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. You are very smart. Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. If they run backward, I hope he comes to his senses. & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. Do you know if I will get your email address sent to me? It would be good to know what it is. Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! When you dont engage any longer he wont know what to do. Hold your head up and be strong. I was completely wrong on that. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. I know that. I didnt think I was being needy at all, but after reading somethings I see that thats exactly how ive been. He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. Theres loss of your kids. His reaction had taken him by surprise. I think he convinces himself of things. It helps him continue the affair. That is your reward. Add in that we planned for a baby and are now raising our beautiful 5 month old daughter, I am trying to be fair to him and not keep her from him in any way, while also maintaining my sanity and possibly my need to move on from him. I think thats helpful. Dishonest. I feel humiliated by it all. But you are NOT allowing him to cheat. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. We have somewhat similar stories. Is there a way to contact you directly via email? And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. She said she want 6 months.She also tells me how much happier she is with out me. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. I said no. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. If you say something you have to mean it and stick to it. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. 3. Disengage from all of it. I never mentioned it again. I told him I see now that we want different lives. But he was in the fog and it was awful. Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. Forgiveness takes a long time. Like I had a t shirt on one day, and it was a manly shirt, and he asked where I got it. He wont get counseling. WTF!! So im done. Did you work through it? If my H comes home and tells me something that I suspect is not 200% the full story, I metely look him in the eye and calmly say I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. You have done everything. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. I did this to protect me. I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. You are his wife. But right now you are being manipulated and used. Not any more. Only this week, his counsellor validated my view, stating that in her opinion the OW knew exactly what was going on and was lapping up his adoration. But I just dont know how to act. Take care of yourself first. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. I looked at him like he was crazy. Its EXHAUSTING. Which, if that were to be the case, I would completely cut ties with him. Youre absolutely right, they are twins! If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. One thing that may help (though I doubt he will be willing) is some sort of divorce type counseling so that the air is cleared and your relationship with him can be such that the kids do not suffer any further emotional damage. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day. Wait and see what happens. Depressed State of Mind. K. I will contact Doug to give you my email address. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. But im kind of in the same boat right now. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. ???? He was not looking for ego boosts from others. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . I also wonder what he meant when he said that I am too impatient. If you dont mind I have a question: I was lucky to have a great thetapist who kept me grounded and sane. So I demanded the post nup. And now I feel like hes just gone to work and is thinking gosh shes so miserable. And I went along with it. I did not want our kids to know and I was summer and they were not in school. You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. Unfortunately you are being responsible and he is not. Sorry to say. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. Over the last couple of days, with help from articles like this, I am realizing that I have been a doormat and have allowed my wife to be a cake eater. I told him I had nothing left to give him. Now we are married (family influence I think and I kind of got blackmailed into it by him and my older sister with the nude pictures he had seen before when I asked for us to postpone the wedding) its just a rollercoaster of accusations driving me to do things everytime I start falling back in love with him. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up. I lived mine that for 6 months. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. He admits now that my requests to please call if late was very reasonable. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. Let them talk. (Mine did too), He expects you to dig serrp the whole thing. Great! Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. It is very difficult to talk to someone while they are in the fog. My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I see it. Sunday mornings there were long lines. I never ever reached out to him again I ignored all his calls and emails to avoid any more lies I did not inform his wife I just couldnt do it she seemed so happy with her kid and him and I just didnt know what to do I feel bad I was lies to I never ever ever would date a married man not only did he say he was divorced for years he said he hopes to find the perfect woman for him and said I hope she exists and that he had not dated in a long time But I never told him I knew something told me she would maybe believe him and he would just lie to her about who I was but my god Im so happy I searched and looked into it asap within 3 months ! To protect ourself. But i do feel that way. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. He calls me or keys me know if his damn train is late. And when I was going to D him after DDay2 (because 1 is just not enough to suffer through) that is when he realized I was no longer going to allow this crap to go on. Im not stopping you or controlling you. I said and did all those things. One day he seems to be terrified to lose me, and the next he cant get out the door fast enough. I said my 2-3 sentences calmly and left the room. Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. I begged, pleaded, threatened.you know, did everything I shouldnt have! In your case your H wants a M on his terms. I cant get out of my own head and out of my own way. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids.
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